I was hesitant in posting this entry tonight, because thus far I've been able to celebrate my victories for the past week. I can do no such thing today. However, in order to be intellectually honest to myself and to anyone who might stumble across my musings, I have to post my failures as well as my successes.
I'm a chicken.
Bawk. Bawk. Bawk.
I mentioned yesterday that I was going to go get my weight checked out today, and I had full intentions of doing so. Yesterday. Today, I pulled up to the doctor's office, stared at the building for a while, then drove away. I told myself that I was going to come back later in the day when they weren't so busy, but I knew deep down that I had chickened out.
Bawk. Bawk. Bawk.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid to hear a number. I'm afraid that the number will start with a "4". I'm afraid to have to face the stark, cold reality of what I've done to myself over the years. I know I'm taking steps to change, and I feel really good about myself for taking those steps, and I'm afraid that hearing that little three digit number will set me back and make me feel bad again. I'm afraid that the not so old me will hear that number and decide that it's not worth it. I'm afraid of Bad Decision Casey showing up and throwing a wrench into this whole plan.
Bawk. Bawk. Bawk.
One of the whole points of this blog is that I have a pretty acute sense of self awareness, and I want to use that as a tool to help myself and others. In this case though, my self awareness is not an asset. I know how I react to bad news, and I know the feeling of worthlessness that I get whenever I feel like I've let myself or someone else down. I know where that path goes, and I want more than anything to not go down that path.
Bawk. Bawk. Bawk.
It's weird. I'm not afraid of much. I consider myself a pretty brave guy, and I have no problem standing up for myself or my beliefs. But I'm afraid of a number. A silly little number. I think it's because you can't argue with a number. Numbers are cold. They are hard. And they are real. If that number is out of the range that I think it's in, there will be cold, empirical data representing my failure pre-lifestyle change. I should have gotten that number before I started. I don't think I would have been afraid to learn it then. Now it seems like it's going to be a step backward.
Maybe I'm being silly. I don't know. This is just how I feel at this point. Do I really need to find out, or can I measure my successes in inches lost, range of motion, cardiovascular fitness and general feeling of well-being?
Or...
Do I HAVE to do this. Is this a hurdle I need to jump in my journey in order to proceed forward? I feel like it is. I feel like I need to know where I'm starting from so that I can have a better road map to where I'm going. I want to. I need to.
I'm just not sure if I can.
So what's today's moral? Momma said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this Momma said. Also in the words of Scarlett O'Hara: Tomorrow is another day.
Let's see what tomorrow brings. Perhaps tomorrow I can slay this dragon. There's always hope.
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Before I started trying to lose weight I went for over a year without stepping on a scale. Maybe even years. And when I finally got up the courage to check my weight, I weighed at least seventy pounds more than the last time I had checked it. Yeah, it hurt. But a number is just a number, and as long as you're taking the steps to have a better life NOW, what does the number matter? I told myself that I made poor decisions in the past, but as long as I did my best to make good decisions in the future, that number would turn itself around.
ReplyDeleteEven if the number stays the same for a while, you'll know if your work pays off, won't you? You'll FEEL different, your lifestyle will be healthier. Weight loss or not, you will be doing better for yourself (and weight loss is obviously inevitable if you continue to follow that path!) So find out the number or don't, it doesn't really matter. Only you can make that decision. But whatever you decide, I know you won't let it set you back permanently. You're a trooper. :)
I think it's something you should do. It will give you a starting point even though it's a week or so late. It may not be a number you want to see now, but it's a number you'll wish you had later down the road. Months from now, you'll probably mentally kick yourself for not finding out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's yet another way to hold yourself accountable for what you have done to yourself in the past. And when you weigh yourself again in the future, it will be a reward for all the changes you've made since then.
An idea, if you really don't want to know the number now, have the doctor or nurse write it down and seal it in an envelope for you to open sometime in the future.
You can do it, Casey. If you need a friend to help push you through the door, I'll come kick you in the pants.
I really like th envelope idea. I think that you should definitely have this number for future use, but it is not definitely necessary right now. I think there are other ways to measure success and while numbers are truthful and cold they can also be liars. If you are feeling healthier, more active, and are seeing results, but the numbers arent moving as fast as you wish they would then it can be a downer. Also, the first amount of weight is hard, but it also tends to drop the fastest. I would hate to see that be a discouraging factordown the road. If you know this number it will give you a way to measure success, but it should be taken with a grain of salt as this number is not the ultimately important thing. It is you health, attitude, and the way you feel that matters. If this number will help you then make that leap and learn it for yourself. Anything that can be a motivator is good right now, I just don't want it to become a detriment. Whatever it becomes, I have faith in you Casey, you can do it. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to argue with fear. I joke about my fear of wasps but in cold, hard reality I absolutely panic with no regard to those around me. I figure since you actually drove from the doctor's office instead of running while screaming like a little girl, you're ahead of me there.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the numbers are only part of the success. The fact that you are making an honest, informed effort is, in my arrogant opinion, the majority of the success in and of itself. Learning the numbers will only help you quantify the level and rate of your success.
I too like the envelope idea. I think its important to have that 'starting point' reference. After you have solidly established a regular groove to your routine, then open it or have someone else open it for ya.
ReplyDeleteLove ya, proud of ya